Pumpkins in the Desert

    No posts for a bit because I spent a few glorious weeks back in PA soaking in the chilly fall air and smelling the trees and rain. Back to the sad desert reality and Halloween is upon us. The neighbor hood that we live in is only slightly festive and that is being rather giving. About 10 houses seem to have some decorations, I will say that the "yards" here are not large and more often than not they are just gravel and not grass. When you get a house here it is grass not included you have to add that yourself like Christmas present batteries. So its nice to see people jamming any form of decoration in the space that they have.

     Not wanting to be the party poopers in the middle of the street since we genuinely do like Halloween we went and got some decorations and covered the whole front gravel yard under one large spider web. So far it seems to be a fantastic net for the next door kids to throw their sport balls into. Trying to pluck a nerf football that has lost all of its paint and is a crumbling mass of foam out of a spider web is about as easy as removing an appendix.

     Finding a pumpkin patch seemed like a fun thing. There is one 5 minutes from where I lived in PA and it was always one of my favorite things to do go and pick my own. In Nevada it seems it is the only thing to do on weekends by the pure mass amounts of people there. I was shocked there was one so close to us but when we got there it looked more like a carnival just people and cars. After fighting our way down to the pumpkin patch at the end of the farm it seemed people were genuinely intrigued by farms... and pumpkins. Every time someone chose a pumpkin it was immortalized by about 15 phone and ipad pictures of them holding it. While I am like ... these pumpkins are rather small what are you so excited about!? But we persevered  and found one larger one and a few smaller ones. Sand seems to be inadequate for growing full sized pumpkins in though I did see the occasional out of place pine cone that I was tempted to take home and stick to the trees to feel more at home. Now this weird experience would have been fine if it wasn't over 70 degrees under the sun of high noon, which is a great deal different than 70+ normally feels, and the line to pay was about an hour long. To which me and my father stood in listening to the lesbian quarrel of a lifetime, and occasional speak of doughnuts. (I have nothing against lesbians AT ALL but I don't think the place to air any relationship problems is cursing it out amidst an ocean of children.) When we finally got up to the front I had a sun burnt face and was about to pass out from dehydration. Needless to say it was a fun idea that turned into a right pain in the ass. As I went to set up to carve the pumpkins I was told THEY WILL DIE IF YOU DO THAT. First off... they are already dying. Secondly it is actually too hot here to carve a pumpkin for it to last any more than maybe three days. One more check mark against this desert hell. If I cant carve a pumpkin when it is purchased normally a week or two before Halloween I don't want to live there.

     It was also rather disturbing to look up and see all in one shot: farm, palm trees, desert, city, then brown mountains. Sometimes I just look around and feel like I have been thrown into the twilight zone. I have decided that where ever it is that I move to there are requirements. Some of which will be listed below.

1) There needs to be a real fall with trees that change color not just this weird tornado of dusty wind.
2) Pumpkins should be able to be carved at least a week to 2 in advance of Halloween so they can be enjoyed.
3) There must be lots of green.
4) Hoodies must be a staple of clothing.
5) The place must not be an absolute vacuum of  intelligence.
6) It also can not be the home of an insane amount of gambling and drinking addiction. (I understand there are addicts everywhere but here it is like the state is like yeah.. its okay to have that! come hang out with us! Here's a free drink for that gambling your doing!)

BUT It's A Dry Heat... o_O

      So I think if anyone ever says but it's a dry heat to me again I may have a complete mental breakdown. While normally it is that doesn't mean it is any where near pleasant. It just feels like you are being baked in an oven. I feel like people who say but it's a dry heat should be forced to spend an entire summer outside of Las Vegas, and see if they ever say it again. To make things worse on days like today where it is not so hot but is humid due to a flash rainstorm you walk out and it is more like being broiled. 95 degrees plus humidity is pretty much one of the worst things in the world. I sympathize with lobsters being thrown in the pots to boil. I am used to dealing with so much humidity you could practically drink the air but not with heat like the desert can produce. A guy came out to spray our house so we don't get bugs and by the time he went though our small house and the back yard he was winded and practically panting. It seems you can never be adequately hydrated in this place, I have finally just started to refer to it as Satan's arm pit it just seems appropriate at this point.

      While this has nothing to do with the desert and maybe more to do with my poor imagination its going in here. I miss my friends and I just keep thinking they are going to come out here one day to visit and god forbid it is the summer. They wont be able to leave the house without dropping over from heat stroke. Being from PA we are quite accustomed to fall and spring, most of my friends regard these as their favorite seasons. While they are getting pumpkin flavored everything and getting excited for fall I just want to see a temperature under 70 degrees... EVER that is sadly a goal of mine. Getting to wear a hoodie would be a bonus. Not only have I not seen pumpkin flavored anything none of these grocery stores smell of apple and cinnamon like the ones at home do this time of the year, with their scented bags of decorative pine cones. Instead people sit mindlessly in the grocery store and play video poker. WHO GOES TO A GROCERY STORE TO PLAY VIDEO POKER?!? I feel like maybe I just don't understand are places where it seems intelligence is squandered. You want to come and gamble for a weekend or see a show fine I don't care how you spend your money but if you feel the need to gamble while looking for eggs or filling up your gas tank I believe you have a problem my friend.

      Thirdly since my birthday just passed I thought I would add in some birthday related fun. I was told hours before my birthday by one of my good friends that 24 was by far the weirdest birthday to date and I can honestly say she wasn't wrong. It may have been the truest statement I have heard since I got here, other than its really hot outside (which is always an understatement). Now I guess it needs to be said that my parents seem to think I am weird bordering on being Wednesday Addams from the Addams family. Not that it is true it just seems that my like of dark colors and a more solitary life has led them to that thought. So for the most part my birthday was normal as you can see by the picture evidence... 

My best friend sent me surprise flowers <3

My one Aunt sent me a gift card for amazon so I got a bunch of books sadly since I read so fast this is maybe a week worth... 2 down already.

A birthday cake that I feared would burn down the kitchen. Also clothes from my parents.

We also went to the strip so I could get post cards for my friends and found this gem of a sign.... Need I say more about squandered intelligence?!

AND last but not least A DEAD BAT IN A CUP. Wednesday Addams status achieved.

      Like I said she wasn't wrong about it being the weirdest birthday. My dad who is super nice and thoughtful found this at the base he worked at and saved it from being "stepped on to make sure it was dead" and CARRIED it around all day in that cup.. I hope. Needless to day he was super excited and thought I would love it beyond anything anyone else could find. I was hoping for a live lizard since he always sees them and all I see is roaches but instead Dead bat in a cup. So the best I could do was to make a face rather like this O_O and tell him to put it in a shadow box and write a short song about it. Because weirdly while I refuse to sing I have quite a few jingles stuck in my head.

For my 24th birthday my good friends gave to meeee
A bunch of flowers
7 murder books

4 tank tops
3 pairs of pants
2 amazon gift cards
 ANDDDDD A DEAD BAT IN A CUPPPP

Sadly the bat reminded me of Batty Koda from Fern Gully my favorite movie as a kid and it was rather like being handed my childhood dead in a cup.... but I tried to make the best of it since he seemed so sure it was going to be a smash hit. After taking me to Michels to get a shadow box my dad spent a good part of the day asleep hugging one of our dogs. Which was entertaining enough to watch and giggle at.


Since this one was so long I figured I would put up some other pictures to ogle at, they are not great but I never seem to have my actual cameras on me so oh well.

I found this gem in the Touring Vegas book.. how to use a payphone and all of our monetary values, In my opinion if you don't already know our money maybe you shouldn't be near casinos where you could loose more than you came with...

Also this is the picture of the gas pump they show to people who come from other countries... If I had to find one of these I would be broken down on the highway. Unless they are driving a Delorean and happen upon the 30's-50's by accident ... maybe then they might get lucky..

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

      So yeah it's going to be different moving from forest-y Pennsylvania to the hot dusty desert of Nevada but the changes are things that you wouldn't expect. While I thought it was weird that the neighbors ran outside to watch the rain I think I am already starting to understand. While I think they do it for different reasons, I now stare out the window intently when it happens as well. It rained the other day and I could not tear myself away, for me it was not because it is unusual here but because for some reason the thing I miss the most other than people is the sound of rain. In Pennsylvania it rains all the time, and It is so loud and heavy a good deal of the time it sounds like a monsoon. I don't sleep much but for some reason when I hear the rain its calming enough to allow sleep to come for a while I got used to it raining every night. Now I hear thunder and I think I am hallucinating, like... that cant possibly be rain... it doesn't rain here. Then again thunder doesn't mean its raining here, actually it normally doesn't rain if there is thunder. The other thing I have started to miss daily now is just trees, the color green. I have never lived somewhere without a yard of grass and trees surrounding and while there is a tree in the back yard... the rest is cactus and dust. It seems all I want to do is see a rolling expanse of green and then have rain pour down.

      In a completely unrelated topic I am having trouble understanding the clothes that are being sold here. It is Summer..... and 105 degrees on a normal day. Go to get some clothes and they seem to only sell long pants and more than not the shirts are long sleeve and chiffon. If you are hot a good deal of the day why the hell would you want to be trapped in a long sleeve chiffon shirt. It's going to be similar to the feeling you get when walking through an unexpected spider web. But alas when there aren't any choices so it is going to be interesting to say the least. Only one of my shirts ended up being both chiffon and long sleeve so that one can be saved for a day that is a breezy 95 degree day lol.

The Desert Endurance Test: Can You Handle It?

      So this week has been a pile of good and a pile of bad all rolled into one slapdash pile and thrown at my feet. Somehow in the move half my memory cards are missing, and not the easily replaceable half. As if that wasn't enough I won an e bay bid to get Photoshop and got sent a homemade download in fancy wrapping, it worked like a normal program until you go to activate it and it sends up a fun little PWNED! message. Of course the seller ran from e bay like the road runner because that is my luck. Win something for cheaper than it should be and end up paying for something they got for free and burned to a DVD. If it didn't work I could report it but now I am not sure what to do.
      
      Now to the part about living in the desert. I am pretty sure that either the world is somehow testing me or the desert just likes to mess with people just as they start to get comfortable. Normally I am not this paranoid, but the last few days have been crazy. Our landlord sent out a handy man to fix my shower that leaks BUCKETS a day at least... 5 decent sized buckets daily. We were told that our landlady only approved that fix but he said that she had told him "they will have about a million things to fix they always do." Why because nothing was ever fixed when we moved in and she is a HORRIBLE landlady. She also said she would call an exterminator and have them come out so we got one for free. Just kidding that is never going to happen. But when you live in the desert you have to have your house sprayed every 2-3 months, or live in a bug haven. GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS! Bug haven time. Two days ago I discovered a species I did not even know existed while brushing my teeth. The armored cricket. I have seen many a cricket living in Pennsylvania surrounded by woods for years but nothing like this. It looks rather like a roach, except it is black and not so much jumps but glides across the floor in short bursts really fast like an ice skater. So one day and one bug down. Tonight I am sitting drawing having a good day and relaxing only to look up and see a cockroach on my TV stand watching Duck Dynasty. I get it, it is fun to watch and laugh at but you were not invited to this party, so you need to leave. After killing it with my now busted drawing pad I left a note for any other bugs next to its smashed corpse alerting them to be fore warned because I do not mess around when it comes to bugs and my living area. It also warned that an exterminator would be coming... promptly. Sad realization at the end of one of few good days I have had, I don't think I am cut out for this place. I can handle spiders, normal crickets, mosquitoes (which eat me alive), and even ticks if I have to but when bugs have armor it may be time to cut your losses and leave.

Desert = 1
Jess = 0

Rule 32: Enjoy the Little Things.

      Life in the desert so far has been interesting to say the least. It's hard to get used to daily 110 degree weather no matter if there is humidity or not. Cars are always going to be hot as the devils jacuzzi no matter if you have the front window shades or not. Sometimes when you drive it is so bright it is like trying to drive while staring directly at the sun from the window of a space shuttle. But there are some perks to living in this area I haven't found many yet but there are some.
        First HUGE discounts on shows at the casinos. I think that the city of Vegas decided that due to the fact that they brought rampant drinking and gambling addiction to the state they needed to give something back to the state. While I think that is gallant of them I am not really sure it is enough to make up for the traffic jams and all the accidents that happen pretty much every minute of every day. Second there is always the free shows put on by some casinos like a sinking pirate ship and volcano, but nothing seems to be as entertaining to me as what happens when it rains here. Not only do SEVERE WEATHER WARNINGS come across the TV before during and after "the storm" but sometimes they text your phone...I am not even sure how they got my phone number or where the texts are coming from. But if it actually does rain... EVERYONE runs from their houses and stands in their drive ways to WATCH the RAIN. On nights like tonight where it did actually rain (most time it sends out all the warnings and  no rain) there is pandemonium in the neighborhood as everyone hoots and hollers and watches the rain and then waits around to see if there is lightning. by the way if there is lightning it sounds like witches cackling out front because the neighbors are so excited they jump from hooting and hollering to flat out boisterous laughter and ohhs and ahhs like there are fireworks. Maybe this is just so weird to me because I grew up outside of Philadelphia and it rains all the time there and not like the "severe storms" here where it rains for 5 minutes and then its done. In PA it POURS for days thunder lightning the works until the roads are flooded the rivers are flooded and houses are floating away. That is Severe weather ... and we rarely had warnings, unless we are already floating down the river on half of a house. But at least the people in Nevada have something to get excited about I guess.

Week 2: Where are the Mad Men when you need them?

       So this may be a weird subject but I have traveled a great deal in the last two years and seen a lot both in the world and through electronic and advertising means but I have never seen anything like the ads here. I was told when I had moved to Europe that I would see all sorts of crazy things on TV including but not limited to rampant nudity. I can honestly see I never saw anything any more nude or crazy than what you would see on HBO possibly even less out there, but when I got here the madness began. The hotel we lived in for a few weeks had Vegas travel booklets filled with maps and must sees coupons and the like. So for days with nothing else to do I paged through them trying to get my head around all there was to see and do in such a small area since I have always lived in farm country. I was not surprised by the ads for drag shows or topless ones because it's Vegas but its the wording for every day things, or family friendly shows that were the most surprising. The first one I found was for the blue man group. It just said "Blue Man Group... No With Balls!" Even they looked pretty confused in the picture but that wasn't so weird a bit tongue in cheek but a giggle worthy none the less if you weren't expecting it.
       Then came the bizarre billboard on the highway across from the strip that just said "Have you been arrested? Lawyer up!" Which is not so much funny as it is a bit confusing because there was no phone number or anything just they saying. There was another not far from that one that said "I AM God Allah Buddah" and a few others... all on the same billboard I think whoever made it was a bit confused to say the least.
        Then for the creme de la creme there is a produce store here called Fresh and Easy. So the TV was on the other day and I hear a commercial about how dinner should be fast and fresh yadda yadda and at the end you just hear "Make dinner F & Easy" which while it is not F****** easy It sure as hell sounds like it when they just put it in a sentence. Needless to say we all did a double take and checked to see what we had just heard. Now I am not saying this is terrible stop making such crazy ads, by all means make life a bit more interesting but it is just like nothing I have seen any where else.

Week One - Cannibals and Kelp Whips

After living my whole life in Pennsylvania I have been trapped into a move to a place I never expected to be. Not just the desert but of all places Las Vegas. A place where the visitors seem to outnumber the residents. A place where tan is more prevalent than green and you have to watch out for scorpions instead of squirrels. It has been a wild ride to say the least. A dry heat is nice... if it isn't 105+ degrees daily, but so far it has been. I never thought it could be 99 degrees outside at midnight but it is possible, so much for it cooling off at night. I have come to the conclusion after now dealing with dry heat and humid that if it was 105 and humid you would turn into a raisin within a few hours and probably die.
 Even more disturbing is the stuff that you over hear in a place like Vegas. I got used to hearing weird things while I was in college and even just outside of where I lived but nothing like the conversations I have overheard here. In one hour out at dinner I heard one family talk about so many different things my head felt like it may explode. Not only were the conversations plentiful but they were some of the most bizarre and varied I have ever heard. While they were pretty insane conversations in my head I could not help but rebut some of their statements to myself. They started off talking about how "Cannibals would not make your body into a canoe" and while I wish we were in agreement with that I figure that if the cannibals had already eaten one of them they may conserve their materials and very well use them as canoes. Next they moved onto "how similar can they be there was no incest" to which I thought ... I had no idea that is the only way to pass on similar interests explains why my family is so different, we are just not incest enough to have anything in common. (phew!) Finally they moved onto "I just wanna see someone go Hey how ya doin'? then out of nowhere a seaweed kelp whip comes out of nowhere like BAM!" to which I say... WTF are you even talking about now. This can not be an honest straight faced conversation going on can it? Alas some how it was. The next day I was approached by a woman at 8AM who started by asking if my mom and I were friends. To which my preferred response would have been no I am just hanging out next to this ATM to steal her card information, but being 8 in the morning only a gurgle and a head shake of no came out. She then jumped to "Sister do you believe in god the man who made us?" To which no words came out at all more of just a look of it is too damn early for this. I have come to the conclusion that not only do I have one of those trusting faces to which strangers like to talk to but that in Vegas it is going to be a lot weirder than ever before... so begins the adventure.